As a social psychologist and extrovert, I both study and thrive on human connection. But from time to time, I need a recharge, so I frequent extended silent retreats when I can.
This February, I had my first invitation to practice a day of silence in a social setting; others were talking, while I abstained from verbal and non-verbal communication. This “social silence” was less about looking inward, and more about witnessing my deeply ingrained reactions to social situations. I was stunned to observe the many ways that I look outside of myself for validation.
My silent day was at the Esalen Institute, a breathtaking retreat center nestled in California’s rugged Big Sur coast. I spent that morning soaking in hot tubs. A young man spoke to me as soon as I entered the tub: “Isn’t the view lovely.” He sat there anxiously awaiting a response and then tried again. “Hi, my name is David.” I signaled that I’m not speaking, intending to justify my seeming rudeness, but he remained uncomfortable. I experienced a man sheepishly requesting some validation of his existence. I felt awful – was it my moral obligation to talk to him, to make him feel good about himself? I had been in his position many times before, seeking human connection as a short-term fix for my own deeper loneliness. I know the pain in being ignored.
I couldn’t stand the tension and left for another tub. After a few minutes of soaking, a woman asked, “Do you know if they have shampoo in the showers here?” As it turns out, they don’t, but I had brought shampoo with me. I desperately wanted to run out of the tubs, get my shampoo, and offer it to her. But to me, silence is more than not speaking; it means wholly drawing inward. Her hair would survive a day without shampoo, and I would survive without gaining heroic validation from sharing my shampoo. I reluctantly signaled my silence and stared back out at the ocean.
My final test came in the showers. The person across from me left the water running, a cardinal sin in drought-ridden California. My impulse was to race over and turn off the water. But I paused. Silence here meant accepting the world as it was, without my well-intended meddling. And so I let the water run. Non-action proved surprisingly liberating. [And someone else shut off the water within a minute.]
These strangers became a window into my own nature. I realized that part of the benefit I get connecting with others is receiving their steady steam of validation. And every time I get to “solve” someone else’s problem – providing shampoo, turning off the running water – I get a rush, a feeling of worthiness. In other words, I rely on the outside world to affirm my own existence.
But the truth is, my existence doesn’t need outside validation. And it’s not my place to validate others. I can’t solve the world’s problems. Inaction, and walking the world as a silence observer, proved paradoxically empowering.
When the silence ended, friends came up to me and noted: “You looked so sad.” But I wasn’t sad. Nor was I happy. I was deeply content, and I was at peace – with myself, and with the world around me, precisely as it was.
Are you ready for your own day of silence?
Lee what an interesting experience. I’m not sure validation is the word here. I sense it is our inner higher service calling that keeps popping through because we are virbrating bringing those experiences toward ourselves. We are constantly broadcasting and communicating without a single verbal word coming out of our mouths. The impulse with the water was showing a higher vow of stewardship in respect to Mother Natures glorious natural resources. Silence is a beautiful thing but it too can communicate in positive and negative ways. In thinking about this perhaps experiencing a monetary where the Order has taken a vow of silence would bring some additional illumination on how the verbal word really isn’t necessary. Just some thoughts
I really loved this post – thank you for writing and sharing it. Lee x
Very insightful, Michael. Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to reading more from you.
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